


Life is But A Song

by Bronathan_Stribert



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bro is probably a paedophile, Devilstuck!AU, Dubious Consent, Gen, Homestuck AU, Montages, Once More with Feeling, Singing Demons, There will be songs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-07
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-11-20 13:58:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/586115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bronathan_Stribert/pseuds/Bronathan_Stribert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave, Karkat, and John unwittingly summon three Devils from the Veil. John is in a dress and also afraid of snakes. Karkat is an enabler and likes puppies. Dave is not a lady. </p><p>This is a fic based on this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gNUmJROzwM from this show: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffy_the_Vampire_Slayer_(TV_series)</p><p>Requested by tumblr user Hotokichan, written and illustrated by me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Dave is a Jackass

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, first chapter is really short and I'm sorry about that but quality over quantity I guess.

It was a fairly mild day in Mid-April, a bit windy but mostly alright and Dave Strider had just come home from work to find his roommate confined to his room, the door mostly shut, a sliver of light visible from the front hall. As Dave took off his jacket, Johnny Cash's gravelly voice accompanied by John's nasal mumbling wafted out into the carpeted hall of their apartment. This had been the norm for a few days now.   
At first Dave ignored his distressingly irritating gloom but the attempt was short lived, John wasn't eating anything and Dave was starting to get legitimately worried. The problem was, he had no idea how to fix this. He assumed it was more of Egbert's ingrained patheticisms and while he wished he could contact his sister he couldn't do so without fearing for his own sanity. So he logged onto Pesterchum and pulled up his friend's handle, the only one who was consistently online. He had known the guy since ninth grade and they'd been through a lot together so he figured somebody owed somebody. Plus, if anyone was an expert on matters of the heart, it was Karkat Vantas. As Dave typed, the singing stopped and the sound of John skipping back a couple songs could be heard. Dave was running out of time. He needed to get Karkat's attention and fast.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist[CG] \--

TG: hey  
TG: hey asshole  
TG: yo   
TG: this is ground control to major tom  
TG: karkat

John began singing “Ring Of Fire” as Dave's fingers skated over the touch screen of his phone. “Dammit, Karkat, just answer already.” He mumbled into the screen, “Don't leave a bro hangin' like this in his time of need.”

TG: seriously 

Karkat groaned as his phone buzzed multiple times, he knew it was probably Dave. It was always Dave. Dave was the only one with a sense of self-importance big enough to bug Karkat while he was at work. At an animal shelter no less. He finished distributing the cat food he had been pouring out into each cat's respective bowl before answering him back, a weary sigh escaping his lips.

CG: THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, STRIDER?  
CG: I'M FUCKING WIPED SO THIS HAD BETTER BE AN EMERGENCY.   
TG: define emergency   
CG: DAVE.   
CG: IT MAY COME AS A SUPRISE TO YOU BUT I AM BUSY.  
CG: I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THE INFINITE HORSE-SHIT CANNON THAT IS YOUR GAPING NOISE HOLE AT ALL, LET ALONE RIGHT NOW.  
CG: SO UNLESS YOU'RE DYING AND PHONING AHEAD OF TIME SO I CAN PREPARE THE PARADE, I SUGGEST YOU FUCK OFF.

Wow, what an assbutt, Dave thought to himself. Karkat had always acted put-upon and now really wasn't the time for this. John (I'm Pathetic And Alone) Egbert was stomping violently on Dave's last nerve. The only way to fix this was a feelings jam of ultra-gay proportions. However, Dave, having been raised a Strider, has very little experience with emotional release. He needed a professional. Feelings shit is dangerous.

TG: jeez fine princess  
TG: egbert is having a melt down  
TG: i need your expertise on the subject of   
TG: pause for emphasis  
TG: girly shiz

Karkat felt his patience dwindling, he had very little to spare and Dave seemed to gobble it up like candy. It wasn't just that he was contacted during work. He could usually handle that. It was more the way Dave went about asking him for favors. Dave more demanded his services than anything and it drove Karkat insane when people took him for granted. Not to mention the fact that Dave dances around subjects like some kind of sarcastic ballerina. 

Karkat quickly checked the clock, finding that it was almost time for him to head out. He packed up, said his goodbyes to Scruffy, A little basset hound puppy that he had taken a shining to, and walked out to his bike. He leaned against the brick wall next to the bike rack and pulled out his phone, replying to Dave.

CG: CRYPTIC AS USUAL.  
CG: WHAT DOES EGBERT'S OBVIOUS LACK OF COPING SKILLS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?   
TG: well  
TG: heres the skinny  
TG: egbert has reached a point where i can no longer ignore him   
CG: IF HE ISN'T BLEEDING OR ON FIRE THIS CAN WAIT.

Dave peeked into John's room to find him face down on his pillow emitting horrible whiny groaning noises that Dave thought might be crying, seeing him like that made his heart hurt and he couldn't just sit around floundering for solutions anymore. John (Stupidly Happy) Egbert had no right to be so down and Dave would be damned if John was going to stay like that. 

TG: cmon karkat  
TG: my sanity is at stake here  
TG: hes been sitting in his room for a week  
TG: treating me to the voice crackiest rendition of making believe i heard since dirks ex broke up with him  
TG: i think hes lost it vantas  
TG: lost his marbles and the horse they rode in on  
TG: fallen from his rocker off a cliff into a gigantic chasm of apathy and annoying music

Karkat shouldn't have been surprised, Dave had never known how to cope with other people being distressed. Which was really ironic, in that Dave was such an incredibly whiny little bitch. Karkat just wanted to eat his stupid smug face sometimes. John on the other hand, tended to get sad all in one burst and it was usually nerve wracking. Mostly because it was so drastically different from John's normal behavior.

CG: I HAVE APPARENTLY OVERESTIMATED YOUR CAPABILITIES, DAVE.  
CG: I HAD HOPED THAT YOU, AS JOHN'S BEST FRIEND WOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO CONSOLE HIM IN HIS TIME OF NEED.  
CG: WHY IS HE DOING THIS ANYWAY?

Dave plopped himself down on the couch and shoved his earbuds into his ears with a grunt, turned his iPod up to full volume and continued texting Karkat, only slightly less irritated now that he had blocked out John's whiny voice. 

TG: current theories suggest hes doing it to aggravate me intentionally  
TG: though there are new finds that suggest that he may just really need to get laid  
TG: point is 

Dave was loathe to drop the facade but he needed Karkat's help. Dave wasn't going to let John OR his brother down. “ Strider code of honor, section 1.1; “Bros before hos.' remember this and a thousand bromances will be yours.” he recited to himself under his breath as he typed, still able to remember the way Dirk frowned at him when he didn't take 'the code' seriously. 

TG: i am egberts best bro  
TG: why do you think im asking an expert  
TG: i have no idea how to console people  
TG: striders dont do feelings  
TG: its a thing  
TG: accept it

Karkat was almost ready to just log off and go home until Dave Strider managed somehow to tug on his heart strings. Wow, that was actually kind of sweet. Huh. Stranger things have happened.

CG: WOW, SOMETHING CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH THAT WASN'T SARCASTIC HORSE SHIT.   
CG: COLOR ME IMPRESSED, STRIDOUCHE.

Dave rolled his eyes, “Karkat best be prepared for my sick burns...” he thought to himself, actually starting to chill out a bit now that John's noise was mostly dampened. Although he was still ruffled by Karkat's imperious attitude. 

TG: man i totally wanted with every fiber of my being to impress you  
TG: i definitely didnt just want to talk to you for the sake of helping john  
TG: that was not my goal at all  
TG: i just wanted karkat senpai to notice me  
TG: now you know the truth

Karkat rolled his eyes right back and shoved his phone into his jacket pocket, ignoring the vibrations emenating from it as he climbed onto his bike and headed home. 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an Idle chum!--

“Goddamn it.” Dave threw his phone across the couch and crossed his arms, slouching down as far as he could without actually falling off. Karkat was most likely going home Dave reasoned, straightening up and retrieving his phone, staring at it wistfully as John's voice cut through the peaceful tones of Skrillex at full volume. 

On the ride home, Karkat racked his mind for solutions to John's sad attack. It wasn't until he had dragged his bike up the front steps that he figured out his plan of attack; a sleepover. Karkat beamed and dashed up to the spare room. “Wow what a trash heap.” He said, more to himself than anything, already planning in his head what he would need to fix the room up for a perfect sleepover.

After an hour or so of hard work, Karkat sat on the couch he had dragged into the room and pulled out his phone, not sure why he did it until he saw the notifications on Pesterchum going out of control. “Are you fucking kidding me.” , Karkat exclaimed as he read through the messages, considering leaving Dave to deal with John on his own until he remembered that Dave was a jackass. 

TG: karkat  
TG: you there  
TG: adsljfsksf  
TG: karkat you douche  
TG: get back here  
TG: tell me what to do  
TG: oh  
TG: heading home from work  
TG: is probably what you are doing at this point in time  
TG: karkat  
TG: how much longer  
TG: karkat  
TG: are you home yet  
TG: are you home yet  
TG: are you home yet  
TG: are you home yet

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer Idle! --  
Dave was on the verge of a melt down by the time Karkat finally came online. He had migrated from one end of the house to the other, eventually ending up upside down under his turntables, clutching his phone like it was his life-line against the turbulent waves of John's proverbial sea of apathy and annoying music. 

Karkat, having mostly finished setting up the room, decided that there was no better time than the present to do the big reveal, wondering to himself how he got stuck babysitting these two dunderheads. 

CG: DAVE, IF YOU COULD CONTAIN YOUR SPASTIC BABBLING FOR A SECOND, I COULD TELL YOU MY BRILLIANT PLAN.   
CG: BUT, BECAUSE THAT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, I GUESS YOU'LL NEVER KNOW. 

While Dave continued to pester Karkat; John, having heard Dave meandering around the apartment, slunk out of his room and over to him. John didn't actually say anything he just kind of hovered woefully near him, radiating sadness like a wounded puppy.

TG: come on man  
TG: the suspense is killing me   
CG: FINE.  
CG: BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING PATHETIC.   
TG: well?   
CG: WHAT JOHN NEEDS IS A SLEEPOVER.   
TG: are you shitting me   
CG: WHAT?   
TG: wow   
CG: WHAT!   
TG: man even im not that gay   
CG: SHUT UP YOU PRICK IT IS A GREAT IDEA.   
TG: whatever man  
TG: youre the expert   
CG: DAMN RIGHT I AM.    
TG: alright  
TG: heading over as soon as I get packed up  
TG: see ya then karkat   
–- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]\-- 


	2. In Which John Keeps Track of Current Events

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat, John and Dave decide to enhance the incredigay experience at hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is taking so long! ...Expect illustrations to slowly start popping up!

Dave had noticed John standing there but ignored him until he had gotten the go-ahead from Karkat; he turned to look up at the forlorn Egbert, adjusting his shades and standing up once more, extricating himself from his turntables. “So, how ya feelin' Egbert?” Dave asked, assessing how much he would have to pack as he put his phone back into his pocket. John, of course, shrugged and started to walk back to his room. Dave grabbed him by the shoulder, halting his shuffling progression. “Go put on some pants, John.” Dave said threateningly, feeling John's body slump as he finally spoke.

“Daaave...I don't wanna do anything right now, just leave me alone to drown in misery.” John groaned out, trying to duck under Dave's hand. Dave was having none of this and kept a firm grip on the boy's shoulder, steering him to his room. 

“Put some pants on or you're going outside like that.” This finally jarred John into acquiescence and he shooed Dave out of his room, mumbling about common decency and free countries. 

John emerged a few minutes later, hair combed and pants acquired, already starting to look less awful. However, his demeanor was one of resentful surrender as he shoved his hands balefully into the pockets of his hoodie. Dave rolled his eyes and tossed a small duffel bag at him.  
“Ya'll need to pack a change of panties, Egbert.” He stated belligerently, earning a slightly offended look from John.

“Don't tell me what to do!” He said, crossing his arms and letting the duffel bag fall to the ground, unheeded. Dave growled at John, fidgeting with his sunglasses in agitation. He plucked the snubbed container up, pushed John aside and barged into his room brandishing the bag. “HEY!” John exclaimed, trying to pull Dave away from his dresser. 

“Hay is for horses.” Dave mumbled as he crammed a change of clothes into the duffel, earning another petulant shout from John.

“Get out of my room, dickhead! What are you doing?!” He tugged at Dave earnestly but did not succeed in diverting him. Dave walked out, seemingly finished violating John's personal space but he soon returned wearing his sneakers and holding John's own shoes. “Come on, we're going to Nanna Karkat's house and you need to look your Sunday best.”He said, waving the shoes at John. John just shook his head. 

“Who says I'm going anywhere? You're not my dad!” John punctuated this outburst by collapsing to the floor and staring up at the ceiling, now flat on his back. Dave's eyebrows were in danger of escaping into his hairline as he beheld this display. John was twenty-two years old. He should not be throwing temper-tantrums, Dave thought to himself in bemusement, making up his mind to get John to Karkat's house one way or the other. Dave then took each duffel bag and hung them on his shoulders, John was still lying on the floor but he had started to emit whiny high-pitched noises and dug his fingers into the carpet below him. To John's surprise, Dave's response was to hook his hands under his arms and drag him out of his room and down the hall to the door. 

“Come on, Princess.” Dave grunted, having to exert a surprising amount of energy on dragging Egbert's limp body from one place to another. Soon, John was squirming and protesting, trying to stand up again while Dave hooked his fingers in the collar of John's hoodie, unlocking and propping open the door. “You ain't goin' nowhere Egbert. How do I know you won't try to fuse your body to the carpet again?” John responded by yanking his hoodie off and trying to make a mad dash toward his room. Dave sighed in exasperation and grabbed him by the arm , continuing to drag him. “No way Jose.” Dave mumbled in a strained voice, making a mental note to look for apartments in the next city over as soon as they got home from this stupid sleepover. “I wasn't born yesterday, Egbert.” 

Dave managed to get the shitty elevator that the rest of the apartment complex had the misfortune of sharing with everyone working and took it down to the streets below, still dragging John behind him, already getting tired despite only having to walk a block and a half. Karkat on the other hand was done fussing with the room he had prepared and began watching from the window, seeing vague blueish and reddish figures on the horizon and smirking a little to himself. “Finally, Jesus, it's like they don't even know they're grown ups.” He said as he leaned out the window to watch their progression, nervous excitement bubbling up as he shifted restlessly back and forth, watching them draw nearer. 

Dave finally approached Karkat's duplex apartment building and found himself staring up at a surprisingly smug looking Karkat, obviously trying not to laugh as he saw John trailing behind Dave like some kind of wayward farming implement. He dropped John unceremoniously to the ground and re-adjusted the bags he had been carrying, glaring up at Karkat. “You gonna unlock the door or do I have to recite the clubhouse password?” Karkat just stared down at Dave, mainly to irritate him but also wow, rude. “Do I have to do a fuckin' jig? Lemme up!” Dave was starting to get legitimately annoyed now and John had finally stood up, obviously a little sore from his journey. 

Karkat finally came downstairs, still sporting a rather self-satisfied look as he unlocked the front door and let the two boys inside, removing the bags from Dave's shoulders and carrying them upstairs. Dave, although thankful that Karkat had taken his bags, still rewarded him with an unusually forceful punch to his arm while John just looked around in a mild daze. 

Dave followed Karkat up the stairs because “Uh, excuse you that's my stuff.” Also he kind of just punched him which never wins any battles really. John soon joins them and rushes into the room Karkat had prepared, slumping down on the couch with a sigh.

Dave sees something large and yellow out of the corner of his eye and shrugs, knowing it was probably Slinky. 

John was less fortunately informed and he revealed this fact by way of blood-curdling shriek as Slinky curled around his ankles. John somehow catapulted himself over the couch and against the opposite wall to Slinky's dismay and slight surprise. “KARKAT WHAT THE HELL!!” John yelled at the top of his lungs, thrusting an accusatory finger at Slinky. “IS THAT?” Karkat seemed torn between laughing and actually explaining; Dave had already decided that laughing suited him just fine and Slinky was making his way over to John, intending to introduce himself properly. 

Karkat decided that Dave was laughing enough for both of them and rubbed the back of his neck in sheepish embarrassment before shuffling toward Slinky and intercepting him. “He's my pet.” Karkat said, giving Slinky a private smile and helping him wrap around his torso.   
“Yeah, okay...” John said, still not satisfied with that answer. “But what the hell IS your pet?” 

Karkat rolled his eyes. “He's a corn snake you goober.” He said, corralling Slinky into the other room, placing him in his usual spot behind his computer tower. 

John just sat there, spluttering. “But it's fricking huge! Snakes aren't that big in real life Karkat!”   
Dave was finally winding down and Karkat couldn't resist kneading the bridge of his nose in exasperation, mumbling rather loudly to himself as John stood up again. “How the fuck do you morons even function.” 

After that the evening settled down to a reasonable pace, Karkat picked out a movie that, by consensus turned out to be Mean Girls. John and Dave were sorely disappointed at first as it lacked both explosions and fart jokes which were apparently their criteria for a good movie. At about the halfway point, Dave and John were on the edges of their seats, cheering and groaning as the plot continued. 

Soon the credits started rolling and Dave checked his phone, realizing to his dismay that it was only around 5 PM and they had quite a bit of time to burn. Dave addressed the rest of the group as he checked his various notifications; “Why don't we go shopping or something.”  
Karkat seemed skeptical and voiced his skepticism by way of a derisive snort.

John, of course, peered over Dave's shoulder to read the time and seemed to brighten up. “Oh! I know!” John said, fidgeting slightly, obviously very pleased with himself. “ We can go get friendship bracelets or something!”  
Karkat and Dave both glanced over at John and spoke in unison; “Gaaaaaayyyyyy...”

“Seriously, John. I kinda preferred when you were quiet and sullen and not spouting dumb ideas at the speed of light.” Karkat added, already standing up to put his coat on. He just wanted to get this stupid idea over with as quickly as possible. 

John, although somewhat disheartened, bounced up off the couch with Dave in tow and followed Karkat out the door.  
“So, where exactly are we gonna be shoppin' for these bromantical tokens, Vantas?” 

Karkat raised his eyebrows and shrugged. “I was thinking we could just minimize the embarrassment by going to the pawn shop across the street.”  
Dave nodded in approval and John adopted a rather stricken look.

“Karkat! No! We can't go to a pawn shop!”

This exclamation caused not only Karkat to turn and stare quizzically at John, but Dave as well. “Why not?” Dave asked, a hint of bemusement in his voice. He was pretty certain he knew why John was hesitating but he wanted to hear the reason from the source.

John shifted his weight uncomfortably as the two stared at him. “Uhm, didn't you guys ever read that web article that was circulating on our community blog?” John asked, genuinely disappointed in his friends. After all, it was important to keep track of current events! Especially those of a paranormal persuasion! 

Karkat groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, bracing himself for a wave of Egbertian stupidity as he let out a resigned; “No...Why?” Through his gritted teeth. 

John gasped at him and shook his head. “No wonder you wanted us to go to the pawn shop!” He cried, “There are DEMONS in some jewelry, Karkat! We can't buy demon jewelry!” John's eyes were wide and distressed; “They could take us all away to the VEIL!” John was getting progressively more upset as he continued to explain his misgivings about second-hand jewelry. “We can't just BUY jewelry that we don't know who made! That's just asking for demonic kidnapping!” 

Karkat was shocked at how firmly John believed in the stupidest fucking things imaginable. This is why this guy can't function on his own, Jesus. It's like he's permanently seven and a half years old. 

Dave, of course, wasn't surprised by this objection, per-se, he was more surprised by John's firm belief in the patently ridiculous and proceeded to comfort him the only way he knew how; with sarcasm.

“It's okay, I'll keep a look out for any paranormal knick-knacktivity. You just pick out your trinket of choice, Egbert. I'll bust up these bauble boogie-men so hard they'll be shittin' their own teeth for a week.” 

John just rolled his eyes, “Ugh, fine. Jeez. Just don't expect me to help when you're balls deep in Demon lair.” He said with an unusually curt huff, crossing the street with the others, once again resolutely grumpy.


	3. In Which The Sleepover Adjourns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat shouldn't let those bozos into his house...And is also impatient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tadah! Next chapter. Happy New Years!

Karkat held the door open for the group, heralded by the chiming of little cactus shaped bells. Karkat didn't even know where the shop owner got them and he would rather be left to wonder, considering the nature of this particular venue. John stood as close to Dave as he could, not used to this kind of establishment, which Karkat thought was pretty reasonable considering the décor. The carpet laid in the center of the shop was encrusted with old gum and there was a mysterious red stain peeking out from underneath the glassy-eyed, pastel kittens that adorned said carpet. Light filtered in through the barred windows of the shop and danced across their faces as they made their way to the jewelry case that looked to be double-locked. John pushed his face up against it and earned a disgruntled look from behind the till, making him shrink back but allowing the others to scan the case for something that caught their eye. 

Dave picks out a rather gaudy pendant necklace, a horn shaped purple tigers-eye, set in yellow gold with a matching chain. Karkat chose a simple but practical wristwatch. Silver with a wide cuff made of black leather and John picks out one of the more unconventional pieces, a silver torque with a round red stone set into the left bulb and a blue one set into the other. 

After making their selections, Dave wanders over to pester the shop owner, eventually cajoling him into letting them pay for the jewelery but earning a strange look from him nonetheless. “Haven't had many people comin' in here. Bad publicity.” He mumbles into the case, reaching in and grabbing first the wristwatch, then the torque and finally, almost seeming deliberately slow, he hands Dave the necklace then shuffles back to the cash register, unlocking the cage that the interface apparently resided in before slowly pressing buttons one by one as he peered at the price tag. “Tell you what. I'll give you all three for 40 bucks. I'm feelin' generous.” 

At this point, Karkat pushed Dave aside, slammed a 50 on the counter and grabbed their new jewelery, having gotten impatient with the shop owner's passive aggressive insistence on being the slowest motherfucking thing to still function as a human being. “Keep the change.” Karkat stated in a voice brimming with annoyance, handing the two other items over to Dave and John before stalking out the door. Dave and John followed after, John laughing to himself and Dave saluting as he exits. 

When they return, they pile back onto the couch and try on their purchases. John suddenly pipes up with; “Wait a minute...Aren't friendship tokens supposed to be gifts?” And both Karkat and Dave look at each other with a “Why didn't I remember this?” kind of expression, broken by John offering the torque to Dave. 

Dave takes it and shoves his own find at Karkat, earning a loud “Hey!” and a huff. Dave of course takes the momentary weakness as an opportunity to yank Karkat's find from his hands and toss it at John. 

“Sharing is caring buddy.” He says cockily as Karkat attempts to wrestle him for the wristwatch, failing brutally of course. Karkat resignedly tries on the gaudy purple and gold thing that actually looks better with his caramel colored skin than the wristwatch he picked out. John then tries on the wristwatch and grins his stupid buck toothed grin until Slinky slithers onto Karkat's lap and starts to fall asleep, causing John to excuse himself for bed in a slight panic. Earning derisive laughter from Dave who followed soon after, choosing the Teletubbies sleeping bag that Karkat had since summer camp when he was 6 and curling up inside, staring at his phone intently while John of course was almost asleep already. 

After about 15 minutes, Karkat wandered back to his bedroom with a mumbled “Gnight.” and shut the door surprisingly quietly, beginning the 'sleep' portion of said sleepover with grumpy gusto. 

John woke first, stealing a bag of Karkat's prized Ketchup chips and munching on them while he watched Adventure Time on Karkat's surprisingly good quality TV. He woke Karkat next, due to his lack of understanding on the subject of volume control, earning the most vile glare he had ever experienced, followed by a ten minute long rant on the value of sleep and Ketchup chips. This of course woke Dave up who broke the two apart and headed out, shoving a very miffed John ahead of him, apoligizing briefly to Karkat who actually growled at him before cramming himself into his jacket and biking angrily to work, pushing past both John and Dave to do so. 

This of course prompted John and Dave to realize they were actually going to be late for work and bolt toward the nearest bus stop, laughing at themselves because this was exactly the kind of middle-school antics that they didn't get nearly enough of on account of them being adults and all. They both managed to catch the bus and began another grueling day patrolling Walmart halls and answering stupid questions.


	4. Chapter 4: In Which The Plot Develops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Day In The Life of Two Big Idiots. A pizza purchase and a surprise at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like when people comment on my work! Thank you all for actually caring. T n T

John, who had the misfortune of working in the Mc Donalds inside of a suburban Walmart superstore was not at all well equipped for his gruelling day of communicating with profoundly shitty people. It showed as his answers became increasingly curt and the desire to just go home overwhelmed him as tirades of overweight mothers and spoiled children paraded toward him and demanded his greasy wares for the six hours he was forced to remain at the counter. 

 

On the other side of the store at the customer service desk, Dave was playing his favorite game. “Spot the Customer.” He usually made up different rules for it. The flavor of the day was “Spot the Customer Who Is Here Because of That New Limited Edition Hot Wheels Car Set That He Totally Didn't Want Himself” So Dave kept watching the check outs, keeping a mental tally of the parents who sauntered up with those huge boxes with elated children hovering over tiny race tracks and an unnecessary amount of speed lines emblazoned upon them, only seeing about six or seven in total. Disappointing considering the fact that it was the best goddamn toy **ever**. Unfortunately, even with his 15% employee discount he didn't think he could justify buying it. It just wasn't ironic enough. More to the point he didn't think there was room in his apartment for it. Also he wasn't sure John wouldn't break it with his derpy face.

 

John's derpy face, in the meanwhile, was frozen into an entirely insincere smile, because he was badapapapa lovin' it and if he wasn't he would get so fired. He had already missed like a week of work and had to be super careful or he WOULD get fired. Which would suck a lot because the new Ghostbusters Mega-Set was coming out and he had wanted it since last April when it was announced. Once again on one of the totally prolific and completely well known fanatical newsletters he subscribed to. There was apparently another whole 5 hours of extra bonus footage from all three movies AND two new episodes! TWO OF THEM. 

 

He was so goddamn pumped that he didn't even notice when his shirt was doused in an entire vanilla milkshake. 

 

Okay he did notice.

 

He noticed pretty hardcore and was every form of done by the time he had scoured his uniform enough that he no longer looked like a candid bukkake victim. Luckily, he had spent enough time cleaning his shirt that he had wiled away the remainder of his shift, leaving John to stomp sulkily toward Dave, still pretty peeved and now a lot colder due to the aggressive air conditioning tactics employed by Walmart. 

 

As his sodden companion trudged toward him, Dave finished putting on his ironic letterman jacket given to him a couple Christmases ago by his sister, Rose. As Dave turned to John he noted his friend's state and commented with a smirk. “Bad day, Egbert?”

 

John just glared at Dave, like it was his fault that he was soggy and cold.

With a sigh, Dave herded his friend to the bus stop. Knowing that John would end up being insufferable if he didn't placate him in time which meant another trip to Papa John's pizza. John's favorite place to eat. The name is what Dave presumed John liked about the place...Certainly couldn't be the food... _Dirk_ cooked better pizza than them. Which was saying something considering that Dirk renders the kitchen defunct for a week every time he tries to cook anything. 

 

Dave, after concocting his brilliant pizza machinations, instructed John to go home without him, giving a vague reason and withholding a snarky comment at John's ridiculously loud pout, waiting a couple stops after John got off, walking a few feet from the bus stop to Papa John's and ordering John's Favorite. An actual pizza flavor...Dave would have paused to appreciate his friend's sense of irony, except he knew John was being sincere. 

 

After Dave had retrieved the pizza, he made his way back to the apartment, kicking open the door dramatically (after unlocking it so it just kind of fell open but shut up it was cool.)

 

“Hey.”

 

Dave greeted his roommate in an overly casual monotone as he usually did when he couldn't handle the fact that maybe he can be nice to people sometimes, placing the still piping-hot pizza onto the small table at which John was huddled with his good ol' gameboy color. He's had it since he was in 5th grade and it was in impeccable condition. ...Literally no one was allowed to touch it besides him. Dave knew that fact intimately and tended to be a bit jumpy around John while he was using it.

 

John paused, sniffing at the air subtly, his eyes following the scent to Dave's offering and shone with joy as he beheld the magnificent flatbread in all it's cheesy glory. 

 

“Holy crackers, Dave.”

 

John was up and across the table in a split second, taking a slightly pink Dave into his arms. “Dude did you get this for me?” 

 

Dave smirked and shoved his hands into his pockets awkwardly. “Sometimes when a bro is down, you just gotta get some pizza, you know? Probably an old italian saying...Y'know...Is what I would say if I were an idiot.” After a brief thanks, Dave shuffled away from his roommate, closing the door behind him to the sounds of a pizza being ravished, planning on warming up his turntables tonight after a bit of quality time with SBAHJ.

 

As the evening died down, Dave felt less and less like working on his comic and the turntables looked more and more inviting. Eventually, around 11, just when John was heading off to his own room, Dave finally set up his gear, letting the turntables guide him, the torque swinging lightly on his wrist as he scratched out solid beats until he was beat and passed out some 5 hours later, still wearing the bracelet which, if anyone had been awake to see it, would have glowed softly in the darkness of Dave's room.

 

That night.

 

He dreamed. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE: For all you who actually care about this work, it's been put off while my laptop is in for repairs. I hope to begin writing more of it soon.


End file.
